Rules of Estrangement

August 31, 2020
In this forceful work, psychologist Coleman (When Parents Hurt) delivers an empathetic yet imperfect solution to the issue of adult children choosing to end contact with their parents. Addressing primarily estranged parents, Coleman explains his mission is to help them “find a healthy way to reconcile” as—apart from rare exceptions—“reconciliation is better than staying apart.” Coleman draws from his own estrangement from his daughter, case studies from his professional experience facilitating family reconciliations, and research on the societal shifts that have created new pressures on family units to present an eclectic array of perspectives from both parents and adult children. Nevertheless, there are elements that will rankle; Coleman has a troubling tendency to sideline abuse as an unusual exception for the abuser, and some readers will take exception to his argument that therapists have expanded abuse definitions to include behavior that was once normal. Estranged parents, meanwhile, may object to his insistence that “parents have to go first” in the reconciliation process by affirming their child’s grievances—no matter how unjust. He concludes with helpful recommendations for realigning one’s expectations and crafting a letter of reconciliation. While the narrow consideration of possible outcomes for parent-child relationships will frustrate some, Coleman’s comforting message will be healing for those trying to bury the hatchet.